I'm just trying to explain.

1. You always used to ask why I wrote about him instead of you. The truth is: you’re worth more than exploitations with ink.
2. I wanted to choose you. I made a mistake and I’m so sorry.
3. Your voice is still fresh in my brain. I can remember everything you’ve said, from “I’m crazy about you” to “fuck you”.
4. Promise me that you’ll look for me in the city. I’ll be waiting on 42nd street for you one day.
5. I always look for you.
6. I chose the safe decision over the right decision.
7. I can imagine us running into each other a year from now in a downtown coffee shop. I would still kiss you.
8. I think of you when I touch his face.
9. I would be laying next to you tonight if I could erase the miles between us.
10. Can you promise me that you won’t tell anyone what I’ve said after 2 AM?
11. It’s ironic that you call me late at night and confess everything that I’ve always wanted to tell you.
12. The thought of you with anyone else makes me want to put my fist through a wall. I’m a hypocrite, I know.
13. I’m going to make things right. I don’t know how but I will. I just hope it won’t be too late.
14. I don’t deserve you.
15. I wish you would tell me to choose you. But you won’t.
— You said I never wrote about you.
09:09     11:00 pm

Remember that you are his rock. You are the sturdy boulder in his life that he will lean on again and again. If he throws you into his fires, you will turn red but you cannot crumble, because he needs you. You know the last thing he wants is to be reminded that there is a wildfire inside of him.

Remember to undress him slowly and tell him that if anything happened to him, you don’t know what you would do with yourself. He’ll listen to you because he adores you. He would rather lose himself before he lost you.

Remember to let him explore you. Slip into the shower with him at 4 AM and let him touch the curve of your spine. He wants you more than anything and you need to let him have you.

Remember that he’ll promise to take you everywhere he goes, because he can’t imagine a place where you’re not at his side.

Remember that once he takes you into the abyss with him, there is no way out.

Remember that he’ll kiss the scars on your thighs and lick the sweat off your skin. You are his medication, but you can’t let him know that. Let him believe that he is healing you while you’re healing him.

Remember that he’ll tell you that he hates what his father did to his mother. Make sure you tell him that he isn’t living in the shadow of a stranger.

Remember that he’ll taste like alcohol and you won’t be able to tell what is more bitter: his mouth or his words. Just remind yourself that all he has is you and if he sees that—he won’t be able to come back.

Remember that some nights he’ll come home covered in bruises and tell you that he wants to marry you. Pour him a glass of his favorite whiskey before you bring out the first-aid kit. You are not allowed to fight for him, but you can fix him.

Remember to dance with him when he can’t drink anymore. Put your arms around him and sway slowly to the first song that comes on. Drive him dizzy by moving your hips. Bring him in closer and remind him that you are his and that is all you will ever be.

Remember that he will try to bleed himself dry to keep his promises to you. Do not let him. The only thing worse than broken promises is a broken man.

Remember to love him as if he is made of glass. But if he decides to shove you up against a wall, make sure to fuck him raw. Make him believe that everything you give him in that moment is his to keep.

Remember to love him when he needs you.
30:08     4:14 pm

I know you’ve warned me
that I’ll get burned trying to put out the fire in your belly,
but I can’t see myself getting burned any other way.

You keep telling me that you’re bad for me and I understand that.
But understand,
you can use my heart as your home.

No one has been there in a long time.

30:08     12:46 am

You told me that you can’t stop thinking about my face.
Ever since we met,
you swear that galaxies exist in my eyes,
and Earth orbits through the spaces between my fingers.

And baby,
I know how you must feel
ever since that night.

All I think about now is how I feel
when you shove me up against a wall.
Within a moment,
I swear that the mysteries of life gather in your eyes
and your innocence becomes as thin as your patience.

You have to be something special
because your chest feels like home, your mouth tastes like tongue-tied secrets,
and your hands fit perfectly around my neck.

I don’t know how long this will last,
but I hope that you hold on to us
as tightly as you held onto my hair.

And I’ll promise to pull you closer than I did last time.

28:08     3:12 am

All I had asked from you
was to never give up on me

But with every flaw of mine you encountered

I could feel your fingers
trying to untangle themselves from a web

That they had once so confidently created

27:06     9:52 pm
What can I say? I grew up. And I’m not sorry that I didn’t blossom into water lilies and peonies. I’m not sorry that I’m covered in webs of poison ivy and wisterias. I know you think you lost your little girl and you’re right. You lost her the moment she realized that this world would break her anyways if she didn’t break herself. And you know as well as me that in this world it’s better to stay broken and alive, because people can’t reflect upon a shattered mirror.
18:05     9:57 am

I want you to suffocate me
and watch me gravitate towards
the dark side of the moon
in airless hopes to learn the difference
between your heart and celestial rocks

I want you to taste me
and spit comets into my soul
letting adolescent craters distend into
a single unsurpassable abyss
that could swallow your comic cynicism whole

I want you to guide me
and trail my fingers along charted skies
in pursuit to discover the heart of the Universe
so I can thank Her for birthing
every atom that is tied to your existence

I want you to hold me
and intertwine your constellations with mine
to help the predict the day
that I illuminate your gloomy depths
with the birth of a million ardent suns

to reverse the black hole in your chest

so you can exist as more than a lonely star

— N.U.
13:05     9:00 pm
12:05     3:02 pm

Thank you all so so so much!!!!!

One: Your girlfriend called me and told me that you moan out my name when you’re asleep. You still have it easier— I have to miss you when I’m awake.

Two: I was a flower in bloom before I met you and now I feel like a weed that you plucked out of your garden.

Three: My sister still asks about you and I don’t want to tell her that you’re gone. I’m all that she has and I can’t bear to be another failure to her.

Four: I lay in bed and pretend that my pillows are your chest. They’re covered in dried mascara— I guess it isn’t all that different.

Five: Fuck me.

Six: I tried to touch myself while thinking of you and I ended up crying. Why the hell did you have to make me hate my body too?

Seven: If you don’t text me back, I’m going to cut my hair and then you’ll have nothing to pull on.

Eight: The neck of this beer bottle will never be as smooth as your skin.

Nine: If I call, will you pick up?

— Drunk Texts That I Don’t Regret Sending
11:05     6:40 pm

One: I am sorry I left you for him. There will always be a place in my heart for you. However, it is as dim as it was when I slept with you.

Two: Loving you was better than the little baggies of pills we used to do. Except I don’t know if I loved you or your connections.

Three: I don’t know what I did wrong. I know you liked to put your hands around my neck in bed, but why did you do it when we ate dinner? I still blame myself that I dated a chauvinist pig.

Four: You were golden. I fell in love with you everyday and that’s what made you poisonous. I don’t think I have ever met a man who could take me apart as easily as he could fix me. I hope you understand that I’m still young and there is too much I don’t know. I need to live and I need to live independently. I know you understand that though. You were as sarcastically ambitious as me. And I pray that our reckless paths cross into each other’s lives again.

— Letters to Past Lovers
11:05     9:10 am