I'm just trying to explain.


My happiness is intertwined with yours.
I promised myself I wouldn’t let it get this far,
but you’re an angel with a silver tongue.

And I can’t help but fall more in love.

28:08     11:14 am

You told me that you can’t stop thinking about my face.
Ever since we met,
you swear that galaxies exist in my eyes,
and Earth orbits through the spaces between my fingers.

And baby,
I know how you must feel
ever since that night.

All I think about now is how I feel
when you shove me up against a wall.
Within a moment,
I swear that the mysteries of life gather in your eyes
and your innocence becomes as thin as your patience.

You have to be something special
because your chest feels like home, your mouth tastes like tongue-tied secrets,
and your hands fit perfectly around my neck.

I don’t know how long this will last,
but I hope that you hold on to us
as tightly as you held onto my hair.

And I’ll promise to pull you closer than I did last time.

28:08     3:12 am

All I had asked from you
was to never give up on me

But with every flaw of mine you encountered

I could feel your fingers
trying to untangle themselves from a web

That they had once so confidently created

27:06     9:52 pm
What can I say? I grew up. And I’m not sorry that I didn’t blossom into water lilies and peonies. I’m not sorry that I’m covered in webs of poison ivy and wisterias. I know you think you lost your little girl and you’re right. You lost her the moment she realized that this world would break her anyways if she didn’t break herself. And you know as well as me that in this world it’s better to stay broken and alive, because people can’t reflect upon a shattered mirror.
18:05     9:57 am

I want you to suffocate me
and watch me gravitate towards
the dark side of the moon
in airless hopes to learn the difference
between your heart and celestial rocks

I want you to taste me
and spit comets into my soul
letting adolescent craters distend into
a single unsurpassable abyss
that could swallow your comic cynicism whole

I want you to guide me
and trail my fingers along charted skies
in pursuit to discover the heart of the Universe
so I can thank Her for birthing
every atom that is tied to your existence

I want you to hold me
and intertwine your constellations with mine
to help the predict the day
that I illuminate your gloomy depths
with the birth of a million ardent suns

to reverse the black hole in your chest

so you can exist as more than a lonely star

— N.U.
13:05     9:00 pm
12:05     3:02 pm

Thank you all so so so much!!!!!

One: Your girlfriend called me and told me that you moan out my name when you’re asleep. You still have it easier— I have to miss you when I’m awake.

Two: I was a flower in bloom before I met you and now I feel like a weed that you plucked out of your garden.

Three: My sister still asks about you and I don’t want to tell her that you’re gone. I’m all that she has and I can’t bear to be another failure to her.

Four: I lay in bed and pretend that my pillows are your chest. They’re covered in dried mascara— I guess it isn’t all that different.

Five: Fuck me.

Six: I tried to touch myself while thinking of you and I ended up crying. Why the hell did you have to make me hate my body too?

Seven: If you don’t text me back, I’m going to cut my hair and then you’ll have nothing to pull on.

Eight: The neck of this beer bottle will never be as smooth as your skin.

Nine: If I call, will you pick up?

— Drunk Texts That I Don’t Regret Sending
11:05     6:40 pm

One: I am sorry I left you for him. There will always be a place in my heart for you. However, it is as dim as it was when I slept with you.

Two: Loving you was better than the little baggies of pills we used to do. Except I don’t know if I loved you or your connections.

Three: I don’t know what I did wrong. I know you liked to put your hands around my neck in bed, but why did you do it when we ate dinner? I still blame myself that I dated a chauvinist pig.

Four: You were golden. I fell in love with you everyday and that’s what made you poisonous. I don’t think I have ever met a man who could take me apart as easily as he could fix me. I hope you understand that I’m still young and there is too much I don’t know. I need to live and I need to live independently. I know you understand that though. You were as sarcastically ambitious as me. And I pray that our reckless paths cross into each other’s lives again.

— Letters to Past Lovers
11:05     9:10 am
18:04     10:18 am

I fell in love with a boy
who told me that I helped him
touch the stars and kiss the sun
but he only seemed to like me
whenever I touched him

I fell in love with a boy
who told me that I had meaning
because I was his one and only
but that only seemed true
when his girlfriend was out of town

I fell in love with a boy
who told me that I needed protection
from sick bastards out on the street
but he only seemed to offer
his protection plan with drunken rage

I fell in love with a boy
who told me I was too good for him
and said he couldn’t promise me the world
because it was never his to promise
but he could guarantee me his presence

and he seemed to love me
with everything he had

I feel like I’ve been searching for my balance for years. I always think I’ve found it— but in the end it never sticks. And after so many tries to find my niche, I feel like I’ll never fit. I don’t think I will ever fit right for anything. But I keep hoping that I do fit. Because if I fit, I know that the cutting, the drugs, the loneliness, the sadness, the emptiness, and the thoughts in my head will cease to exist. I wouldn’t care if there were boys doting over me or a bunch of friends. All that would matter is that I would finally be at peace. I would be able to function without forcing myself. I would fit.
— 4/18/14
18:04     12:02 am